It’s not often that I feel sorry for Tom Brady, and this is not one of those times. It is essentially impossible to imagine feeling sorry for Tom Brady unless you are, say, Justin Timberlake, and your life is arguably more fabulous than that of the New England quarterback, and then only if you forget that Timberlake dated Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas when he was 16. It also depends how you feel about Cameron Diaz. Anyway.
Well, this season it is possible to feel a glimmer of sympathy for the prettiest of the pretty-boy quarterbacks, the man who married the queen of Brazilian supermodels — which is like being the king of fat offensive lineman from Wisconsin, except the exact opposite — and who has won three Super Bowls, and narrowly lost a fourth. Because frankly, Tom Brady is not being properly appreciated.
This sounds strange, but who are the most talked-about quarterbacks in football this year? Denver’s Tim Tebow tops the list, for reasons both obvious and strange; Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers and his near-record quarterback rating is next. And rounding out the list is Drew Brees of New Orleans, who is on pace to throw for the most yards in NFL history, and not by a little.
And oh yeah, Tom Brady. He, too, is on pace to break Dan Marino’s single-season record of 5,084 passing yards, but he’s thrown for 187 fewer yards than Brees. Brady is on pace to throw 40 touchdowns, the second-highest mark of his career after his record 50 in 2007-08, but Brees and Rodgers are on pace for 42 and 46, respectively. They have won the last two Super Bowls, and Brady hasn’t won a playoff game since the Patriots were 18-0 that one time.
Always the bridesmaid, only twice the bride, at least when it comes to the MVP discussion. There was also the time he got married to Gisele in Costa Rica and the paparazzi alleged that your bodyguards shot at them to discourage candid photography, but hell, that could happen to anybody.
It all came into clear focus last week when Brady’s Patriots faced the Broncos, before which ESPN spent 35 consecutive minutes, from noon to 12:35, assessing Tebow like he was a one-man royal wedding. At one point they polled respondents to ask which of Brady, Tebow, and John Elway they would want to lead a game-winning drive with under two minutes left; Brady finished second, while Tebow got 19% of the vote. Um, yeah.
And then the game started, and after some early Tebow heroics, Brady ripped the Broncos apart. You could see just how awful the Patriots defence is, and how Brady and his weapons make the whole thing go. And when New England scored, Brady celebrated with a fury — not kneeling or pointing to the sky the way the religious Tebow does, but throwing his fists and roaring at his teammates. Afterwards he shook hands with Tebow and spoke to him. I’d like to think he told his virginal colleague, “Seriously, you should try this sex thing,” but we may never know.
It’s easy to forget that Brady is, in his heart, an underdog. While Tebow was a Heisman winner, a two-time NCAA champion, a first-rounder sculpted from heaven-sent marble, Brady was buried on the depth chart for his first two years at that noted QB factory, Michigan, and his photo from the 2000 draft combine shows a pale, doughy kid in big sky-blue boxers. When he talked to ESPN earlier this year about being drafted in the sixth round, he cried. He was nobody until fate intervened, and people forget. Here’s betting he doesn’t. Last week this space went 7-8-1, and on the season, remains Black Eyed Peas bad.
THE PICKS
Denver (-1.5) at Buffalo
As of Wednesday there were 24,000 unsold tickets for this game, which despite taking place on Christmas Eve, includes the most talked-about player in sports, in a city with the lowest average ticket price in the NFL. In other words, we should maybe take Buffalo’s belt and shoelaces away.
Pick Denver
Minnesota (+6.5) at Washington
After the Redskins upset the New York Giants last week, Rex Grossman took exception to trash talk from Giants safety Antrel Rolle, shooting back: “They would beat us 99 out of 100 times? I’m not going to a casino with him anytime soon.” May Rex’s misplaced confidence never, ever waver.
Pick Minnesota
Tampa Bay (+7.5) at Carolina
Last week the Panthers scored on a trick play that coach Ron Rivera told reporters was inspired by a similar trick play in the 1994 kids-playing-football film Little Giants, starring Ed O’Neill and Rick Moranis. Which is probably where Bill Belichick gets all his plays from too, I’m thinking.
Pick Carolina
San Diego (+1.5) at Detroit
After completing his two-game suspension for stomping on an opposing player, Ndamukong Suh returned to the Lions and managed two notable feats: One, blocking the potential game-winning 65-yard field goal from Oakland’s Sebastian Janikowski, and two, not committing a felony assault.
Pick San Diego
San Francisco (-1.5) at Seattle
49ers cornerback Carlos Rogers was asked by reporters about Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch and said, “Marshawn, he’s running like he just got out of jail or something.” Somewhere a Canadian woman who was once walking around Buffalo in 2008 pricked up her ears.
Pick San Francisco
Chicago (+13) at Green Bay
So just to sum up, the Packers saw their 13-0 start marred by a loss in Kansas City, while at the same time the Indianapolis Colts were winning their first game against a real live football team. This may seem self-evident, but gambling on football is for rubes.
Pick Green Bay
THE LEFTOVER PICKS
Miami (+9.5) at New England
Cleveland (+13) at Baltimore
Oakland (+2) at Kansas City
N.Y. Giants (+3) at N.Y. Jets
Arizona (+4) at Cincinnati
St. Louis (off the board) at Pittsburgh
Jacksonville (+7) at Tennessee
Philadelphia (+1.5) at Dallas
Atlanta (+7.5) at New Orleans